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When death knocks, answer with compassion

The Rev. Dr.

John Hatcher

Religion Columnist

Death knocks on life's door. Nobody wants to open it.

But, for sure, he keeps knocking. Surer than taxes. At

least the tax on groceries is gone. Not death.

The recent death of three Fayette teens has brought death

to our front pages and high school hallways. Death is neither

a trick nor a treat. It's a truth.

Death sets in motion the process of grief management.

Like all management assignments, one can be

laissez-faire, middle of the road, or proactive. The best approach to

dealing with death is proactive. Otherwise, there's the very

live possibility that grief deferred will result in greater grief

down the road.

If you have suffered the death of a family member or a very

close friend, you should talk about it with those who love you.

This is one of the significant misunderstandings in

grief recovery. Our culture does not like to talk about death.

Therefore, the culture "thinks" that the less you talk about

it, the better you will be. Wrong!

It's difficult. But, it's the best therapy possible. Talk

to your friends and family about your husband, wife,

son, daughter, mother, or father who died. Tell them how he or

she died. Tell them what you felt as he or she was dying.

Tell them how you feel now since the death. Tell them how

your perspectives toward life and death have changed since

opening that door.

But, you ask, "Doesn't anybody really care how I feel?"

The answer, "Not many people really do." Your close

friends and family members, however, should and probably do

care enough to listen.

So, if you have a friend or family member who has

experienced the death of a significant other, give them your

most precious possession: a listening ear. You don't have

to become an expert in grief to facilitate grief resolution.

Listen with your heart. Let them cry. Don't try to fix anything,

just listen.

Ask exploratory questions like: What have your days

been like since he/she died? What's been the hardest thing to do?

How have your feelings changed? Have you been to

the cemetery? What are you going to do Thanksgiving

and Christmas?

The real sad reality is that many people have neither

family or friends who will take the risk. That's where a more

formal Grief Recovery Group becomes a helpful resource. But a

visit from Sunday School friends can serve the same purpose,

if talking about handling death, not just trivial things.

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