Ask Margar-etiquette about How to Handle the Empty Nest

Dear Margar-etiquette,

My husband and I just sent our youngest child off to college, and I was not prepared for how emotional I would feel. For years, so much of our time and energy has revolved around our children, their schedules, activities, meals, problems, and plans. Now the house is quiet, and honestly, I feel a little lost.I know I should be excited for this next chapter, but right now I mostly miss having my children at home. My husband seems to be adjusting better than I am, which sometimes makes me feel even more alone. How do empty nest parents move past the sadness and figure out what comes next?Lost in the Empty Nest

Dear Lost,

First, give yourself permission to miss what was. The emotions that come along with that are natural and valid, and it is ok to really feel them. 

You have spent years building a life around raising children. There were probably days when you dreamed of a quiet house, a clean kitchen, and a weekend without somebody asking, “What are we doing today?” And now that you have it, the silence can feel surprisingly loud.

But an empty nest isn’t an empty life. Your children leaving home doesn’t mean your job as a parent is over. It means the job has changed. And while they are discovering who they are without you right down the hall, perhaps this is an invitation for you to rediscover who you are, too.

Start by resisting the temptation to make your children responsible for filling the space they left behind. Stay connected, absolutely. Call, text, and send the occasional care package. Ask about classes and roommates. But allow them room to build their new lives, and at the same time, give yourself permission to build yours.

Think back to the things you always wanted to do but may have put on hold. Someday has a funny way of arriving when the last child leaves for college. Take the class, join the walking group, start gardening. Try a new hobby, volunteer, travel, or finally read the books stacked beside your bed. This is also a great opportunity to start working on that business idea you’ve had for years. There is something wonderfully freeing about realizing that your children’s growing independence can make room for some of your own aspirations.

And then there is your relationship. If you’re married or partnered, you may suddenly look across the dinner table and realize it’s just the two of you again. That can feel strange, but it can also be an opportunity. You were a couple before you became a parenting team. Now you get to discover who you are together in this season of your lives.

Wouldn’t it be fun to date each other again? It doesn’t necessarily have to be fancy dinners and expensive trips. You could just take a Saturday drive, cook something neither of you has tried, or go to a concert. Being a couple alone gives you space to just sit on the porch with a glass of something good and talk about something other than the children. Ask each other, “What would you like the next five years of our life to look like?”

Above all, don’t confuse sadness with failure to move forward. You can miss the life you had and still be curious about the life ahead. Your children are supposed to grow up, become independent, and begin creating lives of their own. In many ways, their leaving is evidence that you did what you set out to do.

Now comes a question parents don’t always give themselves permission to ask: **What do I want for me? **Maybe that’s one of the unexpected gifts of the empty nest. After years of helping someone else become who they are, you get another chance to consider who you are becoming.

Keep loving your children. Keep cheering them on. Keep a place for them at the table. But don’t spend this chapter sitting at that table (or in their bedroom) waiting for them to come home. There’s still a whole lot of life happening right where you are.

With love and good manners,

Margar-etiquette