Ask Margar-etiquette about A Not So Hostile Honk

Dear Margar-etiquette,

The other day, I was stopped at a red light. As it turned green, I glanced down for just a second to put my water bottle back in the cup holder, and the driver behind me immediately honked. I was so offended because I pride myself on being attentive behind the wheel. In fact, I’m usually the person who’s ready to go the moment the light changes so as many cars as possible can make it through. Why do people seem so impatient these days, and how can I keep something like this from ruining my mood?

Ready to Roll

Dear Ready to Roll,

First, let me reassure you that your reaction is perfectly human. None of us enjoys feeling corrected, especially when we believe we’re usually doing the right thing. But this is one of those moments where etiquette invites us to separate what happened from the story we immediately tell ourselves about what happened.

Here’s what happened: someone honked. That’s it. Everything else is supposition. The story we often tell ourselves is: “That person is rude, impatient, and was personally criticizing me.”

Perhaps. Or maybe they simply wanted to make sure you noticed the light had changed. A quick tap of the horn can be less about anger and more about communication. The truth is, we don’t know what was in the other driver’s mind.

Unfortunately, traffic has become one of the places where we are most likely to assume the worst about complete strangers. Protected by windshields and running on busy schedules with navigation telling you exactly what time you will (or won’t) arrive at your destination, it’s easy to forget there’s another human being in the other car.

Keep in mind that the person behind you doesn’t know that you’re usually attentive. Just as you don’t know whether they were trying to get to work, pick up a sick child, make a flight, or simply had a habit of honking the moment the light changes. The beauty of giving people the benefit of the doubt is that it protects your peace as much as it protects their reputation.

The next time something like this happens, try replacing your first assumption with a more generous one. Instead of “How rude!” consider, “Maybe they were just trying to let me know the light changed.” Will that always be true? Probably not. But it doesn’t have to be true to be helpful to you. You get to choose which story accompanies you down the road.

Keep being the attentive driver you strive to be. Drive with patience. Signal your intentions. Make room when you can. Offer a wave of thanks when someone extends a courtesy. Give others the same grace you’d hope to receive. Those quiet acts of consideration say far more about your character than one brief honk ever could. 

And the next time someone honks, cuts in line, interrupts you, or says something that lands the wrong way, remember this: we rarely know the whole story. When the facts are missing, our minds naturally fill in the blanks. My advice? Fill those blanks with grace. A generous interpretation may not always be correct, but it’s often the kindest place to begin. 

Where manners meet real life,

Margar-etiquette