Ask Margar-etiquette about Unconditional Courtesy

Dear Margar-etiquette,

Why does it seem like I am one of the few people in my community who tries to be patient and considerate? I still say please and thank you. I hold doors. But these “good manners” don’t seem to be reciprocated.  Why should I keep making the effort when courtesy seems to be in short supply?

Wondering If It Matters 

Dear Wondering,

This may be one of the most honest etiquette questions I’ve received. Many people, including myself, quietly ask themselves the same thing. When courtesy is returned, good manners feel easy. The real test comes when they aren’t.

It’s tempting to view etiquette as a transaction. I am polite to you, so you should be polite to me. But etiquette was never intended to be a trade agreement. Etiquette is a contribution. We don’t hold a door because we’re guaranteed a thank you. We don’t show patience because we’re promised appreciation. We do those things because they reflect the kind of person we want to be and the kind of community we want to help create.

Every interaction leaves a mark, right? Sometimes it’s small; sometimes it’s significant. The question isn’t whether your courtesy changes everyone else. The question is whether it changes the atmosphere around you. And often it does. A kind word can soften a difficult day. A smile can interrupt someone’s frustration. A moment of patience can prevent a conflict from escalating.

Will everyone notice? No. Will everyone respond in kind? Certainly not. But the value of courtesy isn’t determined by how often it’s rewarded. The value is in being the person you are proud to be in a community you have a role in creating. 

Keep this in mind: Good manners are not defined by how others behave. They are a reflection of your personal values. Courtesy is most powerful when it isn’t conditional. And while good manners may never go viral, they do have a way of spreading.

Where manners meet real life, 

Margar-etiquette