Unnecessary Unkindness

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Of course, I occasionally encounter rudeness in folks. Usually, I’m in a bubble of some kind when I’m jolted right out of it by rudeness or, in some cases, as Mama would say, “Downright meanness.”

Usually, readers who comment on my commentaries write to me and, even if they disagree, it is with grace and genteel respect. Yet, about every four years, I get one where I suspect there is something wrong in the person’s life more than something I’d written. The reaction is too strong and twisted, with such anger, that the person’s good sense just takes momentary leave.

I’m not a controversial writer. There are too many strong opinions and too much ugliness in this world already. In the 22 years that I have written this column, which has been read by millions, I have sought to be kind, funny, strong enough to make the content interesting and, mostly, just to tell a good story.

A few months ago, a memory came to me and made me laugh: Mama. From the time that I was old enough to leave the house and be driven by a girlfriend’s mother, or when I was old enough to leave on a date or drive myself, Mama would say, without fail, as I opened the door, “You be sweet, now. Hear me?”

It was embarrassing, especially with the first guy I dated regularly, Philip. One night, he helped me into the car, then he slid in on his side, I asked, “Does your Mama always tell you to be sweet?”

He laughed as he started the car. He always had an endearing sense of humor. “Nay, she knows I can’t be sweeter. If I did, flies would be stuck to me all the time.”

I wrote a column on my dear Mama’s words and even joked, “You would think she might say, ‘Be safe.’ No. ‘Be sweet’ was more important.”

That evening, an email that wasn’t sweet came to me as well as the editors of the Gainesville Times. I assured them that I would share it with my readers across the South.

Hello Ronda,

I do hope that you penned your column “Thou Shalt Be Sweet” intending to be humorous. If that was not your intention, then I would like to tell you how offensive your column was. In this time of women being subjected to the fantasies of certain men who would like to see us barefoot and pregnant and living in the 1950s, to imply that the most important quality a woman can possess is to be sweet is beyond my ability to politely ignore. The sweetness that you hold so dear has routinely caused the “southern woman” to be looked upon by the non southern world as phony and insincere.

I am so happy that I was raised in a home in which girls/women were expected to be intelligent, strong, honest and kind and in which the only thing that was sweet was sugar (and we were warned to have as little of that as possible).

Sweet as a leading attribute may have been desirable a very long time ago, but in today’s world the emphasis on it is misplaced. Give me a fair, honest, generous woman who doesn’t sugarcoat her opinions with syrup. Really, don’t you think that women, southern or otherwise, would much rather be recognized for their brains and accomplishments than for having sugar syrup running through their veins.

Debbie Hasten

My mama never wasted time teaching what she already knew I possessed – I was the second-highest academic scorer in first grade. Through the years, I won numerous academic and extracurricular awards, perfect attendance in class and Sunday School, and many professional awards, especially in sports writing where I was usually the only woman. My family has long practiced putting others before ourselves and sharing whatever we have.

But sweet?

Mama KNEW I needed work on that.

[Ronda Rich is the best-selling author of “St. Simons Island – A Stella Bankwell Mystery.” Her weekly newsletter is free at www.rondarich.com.]

6 COMMENTS

  1. I have to say, I was expecting much more vitriol! I think she was quite measured. She has strong opinions about your column, but I didn’t find it cruel. I appreciate your opinion about “being sweet” – but I also appreciate hers.

    • Robinb73, I am confused. Was your responses to me or to Ronda? If it was to me then I am really confused. Who did you expect was going to share vitriol? and toward whom? I enjoy Ms Rich’s column and I am sure she has no idea who I am. My response was in support of her and her mother’s advice. Anyway, I underwent a serious surgery and it’s entirely possible that my head is not on straight yet and I have misunderstood everything. Ms Rich has never said anything about my columns and this is the first time i have responded to hers. Anyways, have a great day.
      David Epps

      • I’m pretty sure Robinb73 is referring to the email that was sent to Ms Rich (and quoted in this column) in response to an older column about her mother telling her to “be sweet”. Ms Rich talked about the email as being sent by someone who was unkind.
        I actually agree with Robinb73 that the email quoted by Ms Rich sounded opinionated, but not cruel and I actually agree with the emailer’s point that raising girls to “be sweet” can undermine their independence and assertiveness that can impede them later in life. On the other hand Ms Rich also makes a good point too.
        Being nice is important for both men and women, but it needs to be paired with a willingness to assert oneself and to be strong and independent minded.

        Hope you are healing quickly Reverend Epps! Merry Christmas!

    • I agree with both Robin and Bee. Debbie Hasten’s response was valid and measured.

      Women are asking to be judged by their by their substance, not their demeanor.

      And certainly not by their pleasant appearance. “Be sweet” is a version of the well-intentioned. albeit belittling, “You would look so much prettier if you smiled!”.

      Women are so much more than ornaments! It is time to recognize it.

      “Be Brilliant!”

  2. There are millions of people out there who appear to be miserable and are determined to share that misery wherever they go. I have worked with people all my adult life and I must confess that the loud, insulting, bullying, obnoxious people that I sometimes encounter are very rarely going to have their way with me. The people that are kind, caring, concerned about others, generous, compassionate, and , yes, sweet are the people who make tmost positive differences in other people and their lives. One can be strong and be sweet and kind at the same time. Part of our national problem is the uncivility that seems to be infecting a larger and larger part of the population. Someone once asked me what Southern women were like. I responded that, for the most part, they are capable, strong, kind, and sweet. Your mama was right. Don’t let the unkindness and judgmentalism of others get under your skin. Be sweet.
    David Epps