Have you ever gotten a strange feeling that it’s gonna be one of those days? This is a story about one of those. Only for me that strange feeling wasn’t so strange at all; it was an all too familiar sharp pain in the side. Nope, The Wife wasn’t poking me, and no, I didn’t roll over onto the TV remote … again.
Unfortunately, the sharp pain was from a kidney stone that wanted to make its calcified presence known shortly after four in the morning. So how can a story about a kidney stone attack be funny? Well, read on, Dear Reader, and by the end of this story you won’t know whether to laugh or cry.
For all of you who have never experienced the sheer fun of harboring a kidney stone, I would explain what it feels like, but this is a family column not a horror story. Let’s just say, after having four, I know the steps that must be followed.
First, I called the doctor to get an immediate appointment. The doctor’s office opens at 8:00 a.m. so I decided to give the employees plenty of time to get their coffee, check their e-mails and phone messages, and settle in for their busy day of helping patients like me.
I called at 8:01.
Little did I know my pain was going to get a whole lot worse before the phone call ended. It got so bad, I wanted to get a hammer and break up the kidney stone myself. Below, almost word for word, is the conversation between me and the nice lady at the doctor’s office.
The nice lady answered my phone call and asked, “How can I help you?”
This was a positive start, I thought, the nice lady wants to help me. “I’m an established patient, and I need to see the doctor. I believe I have a kidney stone and am in a lot of pain.” After I gave her my full name, she pulled up my information.
“I see that you have been here before. We have you in our computer system. Just need to go over the information to see if anything has changed since you were here last time.”
I answered, “Nothing has changed. I’ve had the same address and phone number for twenty years and same name for over sixty-five years.” I thought she would laugh at that name thing, but I was wrong.
“And why do you want to see the doctor?”
“I think I have another kidney stone and need to see the doctor so he can order an MRI to confirm it. I woke up this morning with a lot of back pain.”
“Okay, you think you have a kidney stone. When you come into the office, bring your copy of the MRI so the doctor can confirm it.”
“I don’t have an MRI. That’s why I need to see the doctor so he can order one.”
“So you think you have a kidney stone?”
“Yes. I’ve had them before. I’m in a lot of pain and it feels just like it has in the past.”
“Are you in any pain?”
“Yes.”
“Would you like to see the doctor?”
By this point, if I hadn’t been hurting so badly, I would’ve hung up the phone, called back and talked to someone else. But I really needed to see the doctor so I calmly replied, “Yes, I would.”
“I see that you have seen him before.”
“Yes, I’ve been his patient for about ten years.”
“The 15th is open, would you like that appointment?”
The 15th was a week away. Seven days seemed like a long time to have to wait to see the doctor when you’re in pain, but I said yes to the appointment.
“Good. I have you down for the 15th of December. Now when you come bring your insurance card….”
I interrupted, “Wait. The 15th of December?”
“Yes, that’s the earliest he has for new patients.”
“Ma’am, I’ve been his patient for over ten years. Don’t you have my records and information pulled up on your computer screen?”
“Yes, let’s review your information.”
“Ma’am, nothing has changed. Been living at the same address and had the same phone number for the last twenty years.”
“Okay, why do you need to see the doctor?”
At this point, I took the phone away from my ear and just looked at it – astonished at the person I was picturing at the other end of the call. I once again calmly replied, “I need to see the doctor so he can order an MRI. I think I have a kidney stone. I’m in a lot of pain.”
“The first appointment with the doctor for new patients is December 15th. Is your kidney stone confirmed by an MRI?”
“I’m not a new patient – been coming to his office for over ten years. Don’t have an MRI to bring. That’s why I need to see the doctor. I’m in a lot of pain and can’t wait until December.”
“Are you in any pain?”
I again took the phone away from my ear and just looked at it not believing what I’d just heard. I answered, “Yes.”
“Okay, would you like to see his PA or nurse?”
Fantastic, I thought, now we’re getting somewhere. “Yes, his nurse will be fine. When can I see her?”
“She has the 18th open. Would you like that appointment?”
Breathing a sigh of relief, I said, “Yes. I’ll take that appointment.”
“Good. I have you down for the 18th of next month. Now let’s go over your information to see if anything has changed.”
“I have to wait a month to see his nurse?!”
“Yes, she’s on vacation.”
I could feel my frustration rising. “Ma’am, I’m in a lot of pain. I think I have a kidney stone and need to see the doctor so he can order an MRI. Can I just see the PA?”
“So, you would like an appointment to see the PA?”
Finally! “Yes.”
“Okay. The PA’s first open appointment is on the 16th.”
“Of October?” I wasn’t trying to be funny. Just really didn’t know which month she was talking about.
“No, it will be Thursday of this week. Would you like that appointment?”
Don’t know if it was because the kidney stone had shifted or that it seemed I was finally getting somewhere, but I felt a little relief. “That would be perfect!”
“Okay. I have you down for this Thursday the 16th with the PA concerning a possible kidney stone. Does your MRI confirm it?”
“Ma’am, I don’t have an MRI, that’s why I need to see the doctor so he can order one.”
“First appointment for new patients to see the doctor is the 15th of December. Would you like that one?”
“I’m not a new patient. Been coming to this practice for over ten years. No, I can’t wait until December. I’ll just see the PA on Thursday.”
“Okay. I have you down for this Thursday to see the PA about a kidney stone. Please bring your MRI with you. Being as you’re a new patient, I need to get your information.”
At this point I lost it. But instead of saying anything I might regret and perhaps putting my PA appointment in jeopardy, I asked her one question.
“Ma’am.”
“Yes?”
“Who’s on first?”
And without answering, the nice lady hung up the phone.
[Rick Ryckeley has been writing stories weekly in The Citizen since 2001.]
