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Dear Mark,
My teenager has just started receiving college acceptance and rejection letters, and it’s been an emotional rollercoaster for both of us. While we’re thrilled about the schools they got into, the sting of rejection has left them feeling discouraged, and I’m struggling to find the right words to support them. I want to celebrate their successes without making them feel pressured or inadequate about the rejections. How can I help my teen navigate this challenging time while keeping things in perspective and maintaining their confidence for the future?
— Conflicted but Hopeful Parent
Dear Conflicted but Hopeful Parent,
You’re absolutely right—navigating college acceptance and rejection letters is an emotional rollercoaster, and you and your teen are feeling its twists and turns. It’s natural to be thrilled about the acceptances while simultaneously grappling with the sting of rejection. First, know this: your emotions, and theirs, are entirely valid. This is an important milestone, and feeling a mix of pride, disappointment, and hope is normal.
The key during this time is balancing celebration with empathy, grounding the process in growth rather than outcomes. Here are some tips to help you and your teen move through this challenging—but also pivotal—experience:
Normalize the Experience
Start by reframing rejection as a natural part of life. Every student faces ups and downs during this process. Share stories about people who have thrived at colleges that weren’t initially their top choices. This can help your teen feel less isolated and more optimistic about their options.
Celebrate Wins, Big and Small
Take time to celebrate what went well. Getting into any college is an accomplishment worth recognizing. Plan a small celebration—not just for the acceptances but for the effort your teen put into every application. This celebration doesn’t need to be extravagant, but it can help shift the focus from rejection to accomplishment.
Be Present and Listen
It’s tempting to jump right in and “fix things,” but empathy is the most valuable support you can offer. Ask your teen how they’re feeling and allow them to express disappointment without rushing them toward solutions. Say things like, “I see how hard this is for you,” or “It’s okay to feel upset, and I’m here to help however you need.” Balance this with reminders that rejection doesn’t reflect their worth or potential.
Focus on Fit, Not Prestige
Help your teen see that the “best” school isn’t necessarily the most recognizable name. It’s the one where they’ll thrive academically, socially, and personally. Highlight the benefits of the colleges where they’ve been accepted, like unique programs, smaller class sizes, or a strong campus community. This can help them shift their focus to what they stand to gain.
Address Comparisons Gently
If your teen compares themselves to peers, remind them that everyone’s path is different. Encourage conversations about their goals and values instead of focusing on what others are doing. You can also reinforce that a college acceptance or rejection doesn’t define their worth—it’s determined by who they are and what they’re capable of accomplishing.
Encourage Next Steps
Once the initial emotions have calmed, plan for the future together. If they’ve received acceptances, help them explore their options by visiting campuses, researching programs, and looking into scholarships. If waitlists are in play, discuss submitting a letter of continued interest while leaning toward an accepted school they’re excited about. If things are less clear, explore alternatives like gap years, alternative academic pathways, or schools they may not have previously considered.
Model Optimism and Patience
Your teen will look to you for cues on handling this experience, so be mindful of your reactions. Stay optimistic without downplaying their feelings. Use phrases like, “Unwanted outcomes don’t define you” or “This gives us a chance to explore new opportunities.” Show that you trust they’ll land in a place right for them.
Lastly, remember this is not just about the admissions decisions—it’s about your teen growing into an independent, resilient adult. Navigating this moment with grace and perspective will prepare them for life’s challenges and opportunities. And most importantly, your support and belief in them, no matter the outcome, is what they’ll hold onto the most.
Wishing you and your teen clarity and confidence as you move forward.
Warmly,
Mark
