We only have so much energy. We understand this concept when driving a vehicle, and we even have devices that remind us of how much energy we have remaining.
My car lets me know how much gas is left in the tank. My wife’s car goes one better: it lets her know how many miles she can drive before her energy (gasoline) is depleted.
To use too much energy, without refueling, can be an inconvenience, such as running out of gas a block from a filling station or it can result in experiencing a catastrophic event — such as a plane running out of fuel.
We also know what it’s like to run low on physical energy. At one time I was able to run five miles at a stretch. No more. I’m happy if I successfully run (that is, walk fast) to the restroom in time. We understand that running low or running out of energy is not a positive in our lives.
But what about emotional energy? I am a pastor. I have been in ministry for over 50 years. It took me a long time to learn the lesson that I do not have an inexhaustible amount of emotional energy. The subject of emotional energy and emotional exhaustion are mental health considerations and I do not profess to be a mental health expert. What I do know is that there have been periods in my life when I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by situations over which I had little or no control.
When I was a younger pastor, I wanted everyone in the churches I served to like me. When I found that some didn’t, it distressed me terribly. I tried to say and do things that would change their minds. I mean, how could anybody NOT like me? But some did not.
If I had a disagreement with someone, I would try somehow to get us on the same page. When that didn’t happen, I would fret and even lose sleep. I would very often be exhausted, not so much physically, but certainly mentally and emotionally. At one point, I suffered what I now understand to be clinical depression for nine exceedingly long months.
I now understand that there are people who are takers and take full advantage of those who are givers. A full-blown taker will take all you have and then get angry when you have nothing left to give. There are also people who are experts in manipulation who prey on people who are eager to please other people.
And while I believe that 90% of the people I have encountered in my church relationships are good and godly people, it is that remaining percentage that drains one’s emotional energy tank.
I remember when I started to change the way I dealt with that 10%. There was a man who came to me and demanded that I fire an associate minister because he didn’t like the way he had done something. I checked it out and found no wrongdoing. When I reported this back to the man, he said that if I didn’t fire him, he and his family would leave the church. I didn’t and they did.
A few years later, I ran into this man in a parking lot. He commenced to berate me and give his opinion on how I conducted my life. I listened quietly and, when he finished, I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “You know, you say that like you think I give a damn what you think but I really don’t.”
I patted his shoulder and said, “Tell the wife I said hello.” As I drove away, I realized that he would talk about me and what I said to him but I really didn’t care. Still don’t.
Don’t misunderstand me. I do care what most people think. These people include church members, family, friends, most people that I meet on the street, and even the people who read my columns and disagree with me respectfully.
I simply have decided that I will no longer allow the takers and manipulators to drain me of my emotional energy. I only have so much of it and I refuse to waste it on selfish people who think they have a right to run roughshod over my life. If someone sends me an anonymous “nasty gram,” it will wind up in the trash and not another thought given to it.
If I have done or said something that has wounded somebody, I will repent and own it if I know about it. At the moment, as far as I know, I am at peace with everybody. I have a tank full of emotional energy that I will gladly spend on those who need me or call upon me.
If someone doesn’t like you, if they are always critical of you, if they delight in your distress or discomfort — those people are “energy thieves.” They might even be relatives or in-laws! Don’t let ‘em take you down. Disregard, dismiss, discard, and move on. They can only steal your peace and emotional energy if you allow it. You deserve better.
[David Epps is the Rector of the Cathedral of Christ the King (www.ctk.life). Worship services are on Sundays at 10:00 a.m. and on livestream at www.ctk.life. He is the bishop of the Diocese of the Mid-South (www.midsouthdiocese.life). He may be contacted at [email protected].]
