It has been almost 15 years since I first had the privilege of penning a weekly column. Sadly this may be the last one. I find I must now break my cardinal rule and write and entire story about the one subject I’ve promised I’d never write about. Politics.
Too much has happened. Too many strange things have been said. The situation is indeed dire. Our great nation is now at risk, and I can no longer keep silent.
It’s not that I haven’t tried to write about politics or politicians before. I have written many stories, but my editor has rejected them all. Each time sending them back with the same comment: You don’t write about politics. Ultimately they’ve never seen the light of day — only a trashcan, and for good reasons.
First, politics isn’t funny. Second, with the country just about split down the middle, I figure taking a stance on any subject I’ll make about half the readers out there mad. Something I’ve tried to avoid. So since it looks like I may have some spare time on my hands, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the political ring.
Yes, Dear Reader, I’m announcing my bid for the highest office in the land: Big Papa for President. My platform is simple and will give the voters what they need most from a candidate: experience, honesty, fun, and candy.
There will be no learning curve or on the job learning for me. Nope, after three years of changing diapers and babysitting, this Big Papa will be ready on day one.
Others running for office say they are out to help the middle class. They say it’s the middle class that has no voice, that they can’t be heard. Well, my platform is different.
Big Papa is gonna help the little guys and little girls out there. Being just 2 and 3 years old, my granddaughters now have opinions on just about everything. Whether screaming or playing the whispering game, be assured that Big Papa hears their voices and will hear all others also. Big Papa will always listen.
Entitlement reform is one subject most candidates stay away from, but not in a Big Papa administration. Kids are entitled to have fun at the play park every day and eat healthy. Fitness and good nutrition are the building blocks for the health and well-being of future voters. After running and playing for hours, and a good healthy lunch full of fruit, vegetables, and protein then on the way back home, all kids should be entitled to a treat.
Yes, one way to help stimulate the economy is issue an Executive Order mandating an afternoon snack of either ice cream, snow cones, or some other tasty treat to be named by the little voters. After treat, naps will be mandatory each and every afternoon. After all, worn out parents are also entitled to some quiet time.
Parents who have gone without meals, sleep, or even social interaction with other adults in order to take care of their little ones will not be forgotten in a Big Papa’s administration. They will be a significant part of economic stimulus and entitlement reform. Because of their hard work and tireless dedication, once a week all parents are entitled to dinner, a movie, and a night off. Their spending will further help stimulate the stagnate economy.
The babysitting required should be provided by neighborhood teenagers who are seeking that first job experience. Future employers will recognize babysitting as the truly unique occupation that it is: one that requires problem solving, conflict resolution, and patience. Giving those who volunteer for this jobs program a leg up on the competition for any future employment.
Finally, no other candidate is more qualified to deal with national security than Big Papa. Terrorism and safety on the home front will no longer be a concern. After being a firefighter for over 27 years, who knows better how to keep you safe at home than a retired firefighter?
I’m also the only candidate who’s been face-to-face with terrorists on two fronts on almost a daily basis. Can’t think of any situation being worse out there than when the candy runs out at our house. A sweet blue-eyed redhead, and a blonde curly-headed girl going through the terrible twos can quickly turn into inconsolable terrorists if not immediately disarmed by a hidden stash of candy.
Looking back, I guess one political column in 15 years shouldn’t lose me too many readers. Next week we’ll return to that old familiar street not so far away, and all those neighborhood kids with funny nicknames that live there. Thanks to you, Dear Reader, for making it all possible. Without dedicated readers this column would’ve gone the way of the dinosaurs long ago.
And don’t forget to vote this November for Big Papa.
[Rick Ryckeley has been writing stories since 2001. To read more of Rick’s stories, visit his blog: storiesbyrick.wordpress.com.]
