So what do Genghis Khan, founder of the Mongol Empire; Michelangelo, painter of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; Napoleon Bonaparte, self-crowned emperor of France; and George Washington, one of the founding fathers and first president of the United States, all have in common? They all suffered from the very same affliction. The very same affliction yours truly has just come down with.
Temujin, the great Genghis Khan, assembled an army of over 200,000, raged war across Asia and China, and eventually created the largest contiguous empire in the known world. Most historical accounts say his rampage started at the age of 17 with rescuing his wife, Borte, from kidnappers. But I know the real reason for his rage. The kidnappers made fun of the way he looked. You see Genghis had a horrible case of acne, so bad that he ordered no portraits painted of him until after his death.
Next up, Michelangelo. In 1508, the great Italian painter started his work on the fresco on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel at the request of Pope Julius II. Julius wanted Rome to return to its former glory, and the massive fresco, 131 feet long and 43 feet wide, would do just that. The fresco took a little over four years to complete, and several times Michelangelo thought he wouldn’t be paid. But fear of non-payment wasn’t why it took four years to complete. I know the real reason.
With a unique system of scaffolding and ladders, Michelangelo’s assistants climbed up to give him plaster, paint and food during the day and long into the night, allowing the great painter to stay working high up in the air away from judging eyes. He wasn’t under any deadline. Nor was he a workaholic. He just didn’t want anyone to see him. He had a bad case of adult acne. It was a breakout that took four years to clear up, corresponding to the completion of one of the greatest works of art in the world.
The 19th century French Revolution gave us Napoleon Bonaparte. He was famous for being portrayed with his right hand tucked into his vest apparently holding his belly because of constant stomach pain, theorized to be because of cancer. But I’ve discovered the real reason for this strange behavior.
In 1803 the Louisiana Purchase doubled the size of the United States. The deal of three cents an acre is hailed as one of Thomas Jefferson’s most important achievements while president. It’s thought Napoleon sold the territory to raise money for his army, but I know the real reason for the sale.
Napoleon led a massive invasion deep into Russia. When this failed, over 500,000 of his troops lost their lives upon the retreat. It’s thought this failure was the reason he was forced to abdicate the throne and was exiled to the Mediterranean island of Elba. But the real reason for Napoleon stepping down from the throne and his exile has been lost over the years. I know the reason, and it’s the same reason he was holding his belly.
A year later, he returned to power before finally being defeated at the famous Battle of Waterloo. On June 22, 1815, he again abdicated the throne and spent the remaining years of his life exiled on the island of Saint Helena. He never left the island and died six years later, May 5, 1821.
The reason Napoleon constantly held his belly was to draw attention away from his face. Yes, Napoleon suffered from outbreaks of adult acne also. He sold the Louisiana Territory to the United States to raise money to find a cure. After suffering massive defeats in Russia and Battle of Nations, all the stress gave him a horrible outbreak. It took almost a year to clear up so he spent the time waiting on the island of Elba. His return to France, the Hundred Days War, was an effort to dethrone Louis XVIII. King Louis, a year earlier, was the main person who made fun of Napoleon’s complexion.
Finally, George Washington — by The Wife’s account — the most famous of the founding fathers. We’ve been taught on Christmas Day 1776, good old George led over 2,400 troops across the Delaware River in an effort to surprise Hessian forces celebrating Christmas at Trenton. The half-frozen river proved to be quite arduous and many lives were lost in the crossing, but just before dawn they reached the New Jersey side. The real reason for the trek across the river has long been lost in the dust of history books. That is until now.
With a flip through any history book or a quick check on the Internet, you will find pictures of Washington standing in his boat with a determined look etched into his face. He was in search of something. He had to get to the other side. He had to get to downtown Trenton. There the British had opened Ye Olde Pharmacy, rumored to carry the only cure for adult acne. Now don’t laugh. Acne wasn’t funny as a teenager, and it isn’t funny as an adult.
Don’t look at me; I’m hideous. At least that’s what I thought looking into the mirror this morning. Yes, a bump has risen and taken up residence on the tip of my nose — and given rise to this topic just in time for the holidays.
Yep, now I look like good old Rudolf. No, I’m not going to wage war across Asia, start a four-year-long fresco, walk around holding my belly, or even cross a half-frozen river while standing in the bow of a boat.
Instead, I’m going to march over to the computer and search the Internet. Perhaps there’s still a Ye Olde Pharmacy out there and I can order that cure. Pickup will be faster and much easier than back in George Washington’s time. I think Amazon now has same-day delivery by drone.
[Rick Ryckeley has been writing stories since 2001. To read more of Rick’s stories, visit his blog: storiesbyrick.wordpress.com.]
