If you and your spouse think you are near a divorce, you probably can name two dozen reasons to go ahead and get divorced. However, Dr. James Dobson’s ministry “Focus on the Family” begs you that if you have one or more children, they should be counted as thousands of reasons not to get divorced.
In an article from their website, www.focusonthefamily.com, the following rationale and appeal for not getting divorced are presented. I am most certainly not condemning all divorced people. God can forgive all failures and shortcomings. All I ask is that you give this full consideration.
“More than 30 years of research continues to reveal the negative effects of divorce on children. Most of these measurable effects are calculated in increased risks. In other words, while divorce does not mean these effects will definitely occur in your child, it does greatly increase the risks. The odds are simply against your kids if you divorce.
“Research comparing children of divorced parents to children with married parents shows: (references for each are given in the article online)
“Children from divorced homes suffer academically. They experience high levels of behavioral problems. Their grades suffer, and they are less likely to graduate from high school.
“Kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile.
“Because the custodial parent’s income drops substantially after a divorce, children in divorced homes are almost five times more likely to live in poverty than are children with married parents.
“Teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families.
“Before you say, “Not my kid,” remember that the children and teens represented in these statistics are normal kids, probably not much different from yours. Their parents didn’t think they would get involved in these things, either. Again, we’re looking at increased risks.
“Children from divorced homes experience illness more frequently and recover from sickness more slowly. They are also more likely to suffer child abuse.
“Children of divorced parents suffer more frequently from symptoms of psychological distress. And the emotional scars of divorce last into adulthood.
“The scope of this last finding — children suffer emotionally from their parents’ divorce — has been largely underestimated. Obviously, not every child of divorce commits crime or drops out of school. Some do well in school and even become high achievers. However, we now know that even these children experience deep and lasting emotional trauma.
“For all children, their parents’ divorce colors their view of the world and relationships for the rest of their lives.
“Psychologist Judith Wallerstein followed a group of children of divorce from the 1970s into the 1990s. Interviewing them at 18 months and then 5, 10, 15 and 25 years after the divorce, she expected to find that they had bounced back. But what she found was dismaying: Even 25 years after the divorce, these children continued to experience substantial expectations of failure, fear of loss, fear of change and fear of conflict. Twenty-five years!
“The children in Wallerstein’s study were especially challenged when they began to form their own romantic relationships. As Wallerstein explains, ‘Contrary to what we have long thought, the major impact of divorce does not occur during childhood or adolescence. Rather, it rises in adulthood as serious romantic relationships move center stage … Anxiety leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether.’”
“Other researchers confirm Wallerstein’s findings. Specifically, compared to kids from intact homes, children who experienced their parents’ divorce view premarital sex and cohabitation more favorably. This is disturbing news given that cohabiting couples have more breakups, greater risk of domestic violence and are more likely to experience divorce.
“Parents’ and children’s needs are often out of sync for many years after the breakup. Children again feel abandoned as parents pursue better relationships after the breakup.
“Feelings of abandonment and confusion are only compounded when one or both parents find a new spouse. A second marriage brings complications and new emotions for children — not to mention new stepsiblings, stepparents and stepgrandparents, who often are in competition for the parent’s attention. And the adjustment can be even more difficult because it is the adults who choose new families, not the children.
“And the high rate of second-marriage divorces can leave children reeling from yet another loss.
“In light of the fact that most marriages heading for divorce can be salvaged and turned into great marriages, parents should take a long pause before choosing divorce. While it may seem like a solution to you, it’s not an easy out for you or your kids.”
You can ignore all this or throw it out as a “religious guilt trip.” I simply pray you would give it long prayerful consideration. Go as husband and wife to a good counselor. Get some help. Work hard on your marriage. God will help you. And keep remembering those “thousands” of reasons not to get divorced.
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[Find Kollmeyer at www.princeofpeacefayette.org]
