Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m not the sharpest crayon in the box. Of late it seems older I get, the duller my point becomes.
Luckily, The Wife still loves me. She thinks my constantly repeating my stories to her, my not being able to find anything in the refrigerator, and my always losing things are actually endearing qualities of mine. OK, didn’t think you’d believe that one, but I had to try.
I do lose things, though, and the frequency is getting so bad, it’s even irritating to me. If you added up all the time I’ve spent looking for things, I bet it’ll add 10 years onto my life. Then again I would probably just spend that 10 years looking for stuff I’ve already lost.
For example, last week someone in our house spent over 30 minutes searching for lost car keys. And by someone, I really mean me. Now such an event is not unusual, but this time, where those lost keys finally were found surprised even me.
Side note: you never lose keys when you aren’t in a hurry to go someplace. You never get lost in a car that has a full tank of fuel. And if you give your wife the spare set of keys like she suggested, she would not now be able to say, “I told you so,” when you lose yours.
Last month The Wife and I went car shopping. Knowing my unique ability to lose keys, we bought a car that doesn’t need any.
The car is totally keyless, which is just perfect for me. If you lose your keys, you can still get inside the car. All you have to do is punch in a four-digit code on the side of the door.
How this works, I really don’t know. There aren’t any buttons. To gain entry, all you need to know is where to punch, and then remember the four-digit code — which I never learned, and why should I? The car came with two sets of keys. No one could possibly lose two sets of keys.
Someone did, and it only took a week.
The car even has a keyless hatchback. You just kick under the back bumper and the entire back opens automatically — that is, if you have a key in your pocket. Trust me; you can kick ‘till you’re blue in the face — without a key, it’s not gonna open.
Another great feature of the car is that once inside you don’t put a key in the ignition ‘cause there isn’t one. Instead, all you do is push a button.
This was really cool the first time I lost my keys. I was really eager to try out. Then I realized you still have to have a key in your pocket for it to work. If the keys are lost, the car won’t start.
We searched for over 30 minutes for the lost keys. Yes, I looked in the last place I had them. They weren’t there. Every dirty pants pocket was turned inside out. All the couch and chair cushions were flipped. Even the litter box was searched while the gray and black one cowered under the bed. No keys were found.
Finally, with The Wife almost late for work, I threw my hands up in the air and surrendered. After all, I must have my keys somewhere; the car is out in the garage.
And that’s when I found them – they were in my pocket all along.
Yep, not the sharpest crayon in the box, but at least I found my keys. Now if only I can find the spare set. My bet is the black and gray one is hiding them under the bed.
[Rick Ryckeley, who lives in Senoia, is in his third decade as a firefighter and has been a weekly columnist since 2001. His email is firstname.lastname@example.org. His books are available at www.RickRyckeley.com.]